US Deaths in Iraq by Month 

Neighborhood Model
Andrea

http://www.fitnessheadtotoe.com/figure_&_fitness_modeling.htm

Carlin's Chiasmus

“They have to be extra careful with those two-way words. I mean, they can prick their finger, but they can't finger their prick.”

~ George Carlin

New Words

My friend, Mr. T, sent me this:

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to
take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing one letter and supply a new definition. Here are this year's
winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize that it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stop bright ideas from penetrating.The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

11. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only the things which are good for you.

12. Glibido: All talk and no action.

13. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

14. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

17. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Jesus on an iPod

Now you can download sermons, inspirational messages, religious discussions, etc. to your iPod. It’s called Podcasting or Godcasting or Listening at Your Leisure.

http://www.godcast.org

Must be that Religious Right at work again, invading the sacred cool of the iPod. Is there nothing they won’t try.

Jesus with an iPod

So, would Jesus have an iPod if he were walking the earth today. Yes, of course. But what would be on his playlists. I think he’d have some standards, a few show tunes, some gospel for sure, some chant…

The Old Rugged Cross
Rock of Ages
Abide with Me
In the Garden
Jesus Loves Me
Amazing Grace
Gregorian chant
Oh Happy Day
I’ll Take you There
When the Saints Go Marching In
Day by Day (Godspel)
I Don’t Know How to Love Him (Jesus Christ, Superstar)
Hallelujah Chorus,
Honky Tonk Woman
Amen

72

From the blog financial wizard, T. Rowe Rowe:

Using the number 72, you can determine how long it will take for money to double at various interest rates.

Simply divide the interest rate into 72. For instance, if you’re getting a 6% interest rate on an investment – divide 6 into 72 = 12 years.

And conversely, say you want your money to double in 10 years. Simply divide 10 into 72 = 7.2%.

American Indian Museum

What sets the new American Indian Museum apart from the other museums on the Mall is the fabulous gambling casino on the basement level.
 

Groucho

A guest on his TV program, You Bet Your Life, was a woman who had given birth to twenty-two children. “I love my husband,” the woman explained sheepishly.

“I love my cigar too,” Groucho said, but I take it out once in a while.”

Spring 

Getting to Know Dorothy Parker

Her husband, Alan Campbell, had just died, and as his body was being removed from the house, a female acquaintance asked Dorothy if there was anything she could do. “Get me a new husband,” she replied.

“Why, that’s the most callous, disgusting remark I’ve ever heard,” the woman said.

Mrs. Parker turned to her and said quietly, “Okay, then run down to the corner and get me a ham and cheese on rye and tell them to hold the mayo.”

A Blessing

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back,
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields and,
Until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

~Irish Blessing

Wednesday Afternoon at the Office (1995)

“Every man likes the smell of his own farts.”

- Icelandic Proverb


Goodfellow sat quietly in the middle of the office suite in a distant funk. Florescent light reflected off his bald head as he carefully picked his nose.

Enukidze, the stocky Georgian (country, not state) intern with the lightning mind and winning smile, had just taken the 10th phone call from his wife today. She was worried that he might be dead and, if he were dead, she further worried, who would notify her. Sometimes Enukidze wished he were dead. Suddenly he farted…pifff!...barely audible but Goodfellow heard it.

“That was the fart of a nun!” he shouted to Enukidze.

Enukidze hung his head.

“CUT SOME CHEESE, MAN, let ‘em know you’re a man.”

Enukidze hunched over slightly hoping to bring out his best.

“Erff,” he went.

“That wasn’t even close to a fart!” howled Goodfellow, ‘let me show you how a man farts.” But Goodfellow’s pathetic attempt sounded like a distant train whistle.

“Ha, THAT was no good fart!” Enukidze screamed.

“Did somebody say fart,” asked Neffman, who had just entered the room. Neffman worked next door. He was a musical man. He had taken music lessons most of his early life, had his own rock band in high school, and had leaned to produce farts with a musical tone.

To the astonishment of Goodfellow and Enukidze, he demonstrated:

Fif… fif… fif
Phurrrrt!
BaROOM!
Eeeeow
A OOga…putt..putt

“Amateurs,” sneered Neffman as he walked out of the office.

The Ides of March?

In the ancient Roman calendar, each of the 12 months had an "ides." In March, May, July and October, the ides fell on the 15th day. In every other month, the ides fell on the 13th. The word "ides" was derived from the Latin "to divide." The ides were originally meant to mark the full moon - but since the solar calendar months and lunar months were of different lengths, the ides quickly lost their original intent and purpose.

White House Appearance 

Performance Evaluations

Actual quotes from Federal employee performance evaluations:

1. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
2. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them
3. Room temperature I.Q.
4. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
5. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
6. I would not allow this employee to breed

JFK

"The ancient Greek definition of happiness was the full use of your powers along lines of excellence. "

--John F. Kennedy

Fitness Consultants in Bethesda, MD

Antique Pontiac Hood 

Covered Bridge near York Springs, PA 

Final Meal

The final meal request for Dennis Bagwell, Texas, February 17, 2005

Bagwell requested a beef steak, medium rare with A1 Sauce, three fried chicken breast, three fried chicken thighs, BBQ ribs, a large order of french fries, a large order of onion rings, a pound of fried bacon, a dozen scrambled eggs with onions, fried tatters with onions, sliced tomatoes, a salad with ranch dressing, two hamburgers with everything, peach pie or cobbler, ketchup, salt and pepper, milk and coffee, ice tea with real sugar.

Wow!