The Max Gate: November 2009

Monday, November 23, 2009

Women

"The surest remedy for the male disease of self-contempt is the love of a sensible woman."
~ Friedrich Nietzsche

Nine Words Women Use

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are

right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.

Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more

minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something,

and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually

end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement

often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot

and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you

about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing).

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman

can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard

before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say

you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she

says "Thanks alot"- that is pure sarcasm and she is not thanking you at

all. DO NOT say "you're welcome". That will bring on a "whatever").

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying FUCK YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning

this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is

now doing it herself. This will later result in an man asking "What's

wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.

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From the movie As Good As It Gets:

Melvin Udall: I've got a really great compliment for you, and it's true.

Carol Connelly: I'm so afraid you're about to say something awful.

Melvin Udall: Don't be pessimistic, it's not your style. Okay, here I go: Clearly, a mistake. I've got this, what - ailment? My doctor, a shrink that I used to go to all the time, he says that in fifty or sixty percent of the cases, a pill really helps. I *hate* pills, very dangerous thing, pills. Hate. I'm using the word "hate" here, about pills. Hate. My compliment is, that night when you came over and told me that you would never... well, you were there, you know what you said. Well, my compliment to you is, the next morning, I started taking the pills.

Carol Connelly: I don't quite get how that's a compliment for me.

Melvin Udall : You make me want to be a better man.

Carol Connelly...That's maybe the best compliment of my life.

Melvin Udall: Well, maybe I overshot a little, because I was aiming at just enough to keep you from walking out.